It's been 106 days. I didn't know someone could feel this kind of pain. It is relentless and all consuming. I feel like 106 days is a lot and wonder if this intense pain is going to go away. But then I was talking to Heather today and she reminded me that it’s only been 106 days. I don’t know, I have no idea how this is going to go, but for now it hurts. It really really hurts me.
I cry most times I drive. I remember you thought I cried a lot. hahaha I used to cry like once every few months. Then you talked to Heather about it and she said she cried a few times a week and you were like hmmmm ok, so Chels is way less. O babes, if you were to see me now. You would be so uncomfortable with this much crying. You would be so uncomfortable with with my sadness. You would do anything to make me happy, to make it better. You would be silly and make jokes, till I laughed, till I softened. I feel cold, shutdown, and sometimes the most gripping pain.
So much reminds me of us, of you. Like I sat down to write you and turned on Nextflix, I like it on in the back when I am here and the suggested movie was Along Came Polly. That was the movie we watched when I had my wisdom teeth removed. I said I didn’t want to take the painkillers so we didn’t get them but then it was hurting so bad, you went back into town and got them. In my drugged up space we watched the movie together. It was nice. So anyways, I am watching it now, as I write to you my love.
I am back teaching at Okanagan Yoga Centre, but here is the thing. Every time I drive through the Westside, right where I got the call my body goes numb. The adrenaline courses through me. The first time I was driving back from visiting Heather and was caught off guard. I didn't t remember that that was the spot, but part of me must have known cause all of a sudden I felt the same feeling in my body as when I got the call. I have made that drive only five times since and still each time my body remembers. I am teaching over there now so I will be making that drive every week. I wonder how long till I no longer feel that. It then messes with the rest of my day, like the constant crying, it takes a lot out of me.
So this would be our first Christmas with the house renos complete. Our first year here we didn’t decorate because we had OIlie only a few months old and she was crazy. She was a little tornado and we didn't want her to chew anything plus we were renovating so there was no point. We still hosted Christmas at our house, the mess it was. We made full Christmas dinner, our first time, and we rocked it. Then the next two years were the same, the winter break was when we both had time to work on the house so would be in full on renovation mode, but still host Christmas dinner. Last year we were putting on baseboards and painting Christmas Eve. As much work as it was and it wasn’t work either of us were really into, it was always nice to be doing it together.
This year, this year we would be married. This would have been our first Christmas as a married couple and it would be the first year that our home would have been complete. Giving us so much free time to celebrate and enjoy. I see lots of people posting their decorating photos and their Christmas tree pictures. I bet we would have gone all out this year, it’s about time. I still have all my Christmas decorations from when I was younger, like that Christmas dog that I love and you think is creepy. I would have for sure put him out, he would have barked Christmas carols, taunted Ollie, and you would have talked about how weird he is, all warming my heart.
There are holiday parties right now so I go and it is sad that I am without you, but not going is sad as well. Nothing feels normal. I rarely feel normal, feel complete, nothing feels right. There is no way around this kind of pain. It follows me everywhere and it is very sharp. It makes me a bitch. I don’t care for this new version of myself, you wouldn't either.
Babes, I am missing you terribly.
Love you always.