You Should Be Here.

Rene, It is killing me that you are not here. And I try so hard to never use that word, to never say killing me because I know what that really means now and how dare I say that. But fuck babes. It really really feels like it. I go about life for the most part like life is normal, but it couldn’t be further from that. I am missing my better half and it is gutting me.

You should be here. I should not be spending the day moving things into the garage getting ready to move out on my own, or going to OUR friend's birthday party without you, or going out after without you by my side, or coming home to an empty home. So I contemplate bringing home a random, but they couldn't even handle it, I’d devour them. The intensity off the charts, and in a weird way I think I just want something thing else that hurts. That hurts in a way I can wrap my head around, a predictable kind of hurt, a distraction. I crave anything that will soften the severity of this pain, even other pain. 

I listen to music ridiculously loud, as if it could override thought. I am drawn to songs that make me feel something, and I listen to them on repeat obsessively 'till a new track takes its place. I scan the room for a possibility; someone who could for just a minute take it all away. But of course none of it works. I want you. I want you and there was never a substitute for you. While I have tried over the years of break up and splits, you and I were something else.

I don’t want to revert to the bad choices of youth, but I feel it pulling at me. I am running out of ways to carry this pain. Maybe there is no way to get through this without it fucking me up. Like it will always be there, and on the surface I may look put together but if anyone ever gets close enough they will see. They will sense the wound. That I am both shut down, sharp,  cold, and tough as hell. At the same time, painfully sensitive, raw, incredibly vulnerable, and begging to be loved. Like there is no middle ground. And I want someone. I want someone to be that close, that can be my person, only I wouldn’t dare let them in, into the mess, into the storm. I want to be held,  by someone who can shield me from it all, but I know no one is able handle it. I can barely handle it.

You could handle it. The only person I ever let all the way in. That I ever really showed all of myself to, and that I trusted fully. Losing you has hurt me, in a way I can’t even put into words. It eats at me from the inside, yet I hide it well. I have a normal life, and am often surprised at how I still appear to have myself together more than many. But Rene, when you died my world was ripped apart and I am not sure it will ever fall back into place. 

My love,  I wish I had been out with you tonight, I wish you were dancing with me at the bar, I wish you were taking me home,  I'd even take a fight.  I miss you so much. With all my love.