A Kind of Loneliness I Never Knew Possible.


Babes, This might have been too much too soon. I have arrived at the hotel but I just want to go back home.

As the plane started the descent into Puerto Vallarta tears started streaming down my face and haven't really stopped. I have gotten used to living my life through tears, usually I can get it together but not tonight. This makes it real, I will never travel with you again. This was our thing, we would do this together.

I knew how safe you made me feel, I knew when I traveled alone or if you were out of town and I was home alone I was always aware that I felt much safer with you by my side. You were surprised when I told you that when I am hiking and someone passes me I turn my music down and sometimes check that they aren't following me. You made fun of me at first but then were like wow, that's a whole different way to be in the world. But for you, almost double my size and a man things were a little different.

When I was checking  in tonight  he made a very clear remark, ‘so it is only going to be you in the room?’ It gave me chills and my room has the main door and then another door that leads I think to the room beside me but I can’t lock it. It is locked but not from my side. It makes me uneasy, but I know if you were here I probably wouldn’t be bothered by that. I propped a chair up to easy my mind. I realize my level of crazy is slightly heightened right now...

I feel so alone, painfully so, and while I haven't eaten in quite some time I don’t feel like going out and trying to sort it out, it is late here and dark. With you for sure we would be out adventuring, but I can’t stop crying and my hotel is not really touristy, the staff doesn’t speak much English and my Spanish is non-existent so it all seems like a lot. I have come all this way and all I want to do is go home. I want you here, I want you anywhere. You could just hold me and make everything better.

This shit sucks. I had no idea of this kind of pain. I leave in the morning for the retreat center and am hoping I feel more at ease there. Babes, tonight I will cry myself to sleep missing you.

 I love you.