And I Thought It Would Be a Getaway.

Babes, It is the 23rd of December and I am on a yoga retreat in Mexico… You would love it here, we always talked about going on retreat together. The place is nice, rustic but nice. I however, I am a disaster. I guess getting out of my new version of a routine has been a lot of me. I never thought this time away would be this intense, I thought it would be a get away, dare I say a reprieve?

Well I was wrong…

Firstly bodies of water are fucking with me right now. I loved the ocean, so much so you got my  engagement ring with a wave like quality. I am still wearing it by the way, also the wedding bands. I got them only a few days after, I got yours sized for me, you were so excited to wear it I couldn't just leave it in a box. I thought that I would get here and be swimming in the ocean,  feeling its’ healing power. But on the boat ride over as everyone else reluctantly put on their life jackets and didn't even bother to do it up, I had my strap on so tightly. I could feel the fear building. Then I got here and took my book to the beach and couldn’t go in. I couldn’t even go in. The waves are big and I am scared. I am scared of so much now.

I haven’t formally mediated since the accident. I think my morning walks with Ollie are meditative but I have been too scared to get that still with myself. I don’t want to feel more. I live in this crazy world of polarity. Either shut down and guarded or falling apart.

The singer at the resort today was singing U2’s, I Still Haven’t Found What I am Looking For. The words hit home.  I wondered, will I ever be settled again? Just content to be alive? At peace? I used to be so happy, just happy in general, happy in life.

I thought that here I might be able to feel you. People talk of this and to be honest I have no idea what I believe about it. But I thought if anywhere maybe here. You so strong and we were so connected, I thought maybe here, but still nothing. Maybe I am still in too much pain, maybe I can’t feel you because I feel too much of me?

This morning I did the mediation, I couldn’t close my eyes but I sat there. I sat still. The asana practices have been gutting. All the pain living in my body is being flushed into circulation and coming out in full force, I am a puddle of tears and a raw broken heart at the end of class.

And I thought it would be a get away. Is it too late to hit up an all inclusive and drink and eat till I am numb?

Babes doing it for real fucking sucks. Really feeling your loss is painful beyond description. I am not even sure we have a word for this. In fact we don’t. It is jargon, and is only known by others who have lived this. Expressed through a look or a nod, or even a ‘that fucken sucks’. Because while most people want to say something like I am so sorry, someone who has lived this wants to say something more like,  ‘Jesus Christ, that fucken sucks’, nothing more. They know that there are no words for this, nothing else to be said.

Even though I was scared, I did get in the water today at the waterfall. The first time since the accident, I went under twice. Once for you babes, and once for me. I am giving this living thing an honest shot. I dunno if I have what it takes to pick up the fragmented pieces and find what I am looking for. I’m not even sure I know what to look for. This path so off the grid, so uncharted, and going it without you too messed up, but I am trying.

Sometimes I envy people who feel less. I long for that. People say I am brave for dealing with this as I am. But I don’t know any other way. Believe me if there was a way where I didn’t have to feel this, I think I’d take it.

I guess this is the potential risk of love. I hope things are sweeter for you. I know you’d be devastated  to see me like this. I hope you are well. I pray you are at peace.

Maybe send me a message if you can feel me. I could really use your love.

I am sorry if you are and I am too much in the way. I will get there, be patient with me. I love you.