A part of me will be forever waiting for you

Babes, How do I come to terms with the fact that I will hurt for the rest of my life? How? How do I come to terms with this? I am only now starting to understand that I will spend beautiful spring nights on my own crying for you. That I can distract myself all day and even all night but at some moment I have to stop and in that moment I will ache. That no amount of work, or friends, or anything can stop this. That sometimes I will have plans, plans I even want to do but will bail on them, because there is no way to stop the tears and no way for me to get it together in any sort of way.

How do I come to terms with the fact that this is in me. This is me? This is who I am. How? How do I make peace with this sort of hurt. There is no way to fix it. No way to make it go away. This is a lesson in surrender. Babes, I never want to forget you, but I could do without this. This fucking sucks and it seems like the more beautiful the days the harder it is, the more free floating sadness and pain I feel. I really thought the spring would be nice for me, but it isn’t working out like that. My body is tired and the intense high that came with the news of your death has faded, so that means no buffer to soften the reality. I knew those days in an adrenaline induced high were precious, that the distance it offered me from how fucking gutting this all is was something I would long for once it was gone. I was right, when the adrenaline runs out...

I can still get there, I can force the high. If I turn up music really loud or have a drink, or put myself in a situation that is stimulating, I can get there. But I know it is hurting me, it is messing with my body so I am trying not to indulge the escape. I promised myself no overtly toxic behaviour and I haven’t done too bad, but as the high provided from my own body falls away… I am being tested.

So babes, how do I make it Ok. How do I make peace. How do I get used to the fact that whenever I hear of someone else’s pain I will feel mine all too intensely? That whenever I see someone else hurting it will trigger my hurt, and my heart will break for them, for me, for you. How do I live in this, having my heart break again-and-again-and-again every single day, for what feels like the better part of my days.

I am thinking of giving up our place… It is ripping me apart, the sun shining, the yard coming to life just begging for us to have a glass of wine on the deck, weeds waiting to be picked that would irritate the shit out of you. Me sitting here waiting for you to walk through the front door with a smile on your face and give me and Ollie big warm kisses.

I am sadly waiting for you, and starting to understand that maybe a part of me will be waiting for you for the rest of my life.

I love you Rene, I really miss you.