From Right Beside Me, To From Afar.
Babes, You my love are, and forever will be my greatest teacher. While I know I sometimes resisted your 'suggestions' when you were by my side, know that it all seeped in. And still you are shaping me and my life everyday; your wisdom from afar.
There were times when you would be frustrated at how strong willed I was, mostly when my will and your will did not match...
Well babes, I learnt from it all. I may have learnt more from who you were and how you were than anything you ever said. The essence of you will guide me for all my days to come, because you got it. You understood what it was to live and you showed me. Maybe now I am here to share it with others, not through anything I say, but through who I am and how I am.
While so much that you are imprinting on my soul from afar is seemingly contradictory to what you taught me while you were by my side, I have come to understand that many things can be true at the same time. So, I am slowly making peace with, and actually even finding freedom in the paradoxes.
What you taught me when you were by my side: True love
How to compromise
Boundaries… what my non-negotiables were
How much control I have over my life
What it is like to care about someone else as much, or more, than myself
How to play, to be brave, to trust that better is on its’ way
How to hustle, and be unapologetic about what I want
To expect good things, to seek them, to make them happen
What it is like to give all of myself to another
Not to take anything too seriously
That anything is possible, and I can make it happen
What you have taught me from afar: How strong I am
How little control I have over Life
What really matters to me
How much life there is in pain
What it feels like to want to die
How to live in the moment, knowing in my cells no others exist
Not to take anything too seriously
Life will end, and I may not know when
The feelings of words that before held so little meaning; Death, grief, sorrow
Everything is transient
The love of a community
To be open to the unknown, the mystery, a bigger connection
Infinite and endless Love
Rene, I am who I am because of you.
I need you to know that when you died you taught me how to live.
I hope I am making you proud.
I will be forever listening for your guidance, know you are shaping me, and together we are shaping this world.
~with all my love and gratitude, thank you for it all. I will cherish every moment I got with you.