From Right Beside Me, To From Afar.

Babes, You my love are, and forever will be my greatest teacher. While I know I sometimes resisted your 'suggestions' when you were by my side,  know that it all seeped in.  And still you are shaping me and my life everyday; your wisdom from afar.

There were times when you would be frustrated at how strong willed I was, mostly when my will and your will did not match...

Well babes, I learnt from it all. I may have learnt more from who you were and how you were than anything you ever said. The essence of you will guide me for all my days to come, because you got it. You understood what it was to live and you showed me. Maybe now I am here to share it with others, not through anything I say, but through who I am and how I am.

While so much that you are imprinting on my soul from afar is seemingly contradictory to what you taught me while you were by my side, I have come to understand that many things can be true at the same time. So, I am slowly making peace with, and actually even finding freedom in the paradoxes.

What you taught me when you were by my side: True love

How to compromise

Boundaries… what my non-negotiables were

How much control I have over my life

What it is like to care about someone else as much, or more, than myself

How to play, to be brave, to trust that better is on its’ way

How to hustle, and be unapologetic about what I want

To expect good things, to seek them, to make them happen

What it is like to give all of myself to another

Not to take anything too seriously

That anything is possible, and I can make it happen

What you have taught me from afar: How strong I am

How little control I have over Life

What really matters to me

How much life there is in pain

What it feels like to want to die

How to live in the moment, knowing in my cells no others exist

Not to take anything too seriously

Life will end, and I may not know when

The feelings of words that before held so little meaning; Death, grief, sorrow

Everything is transient

The love of a community

To be open to the unknown, the mystery, a bigger connection

Infinite and endless Love

Rene, I am who I am because of you.

I need you to know that when you died you taught me how to  live.

I hope I am making you proud.

I will be forever listening for your guidance, know you are shaping me, and together we are shaping this world.

~with all my love and gratitude, thank you for it all. I will cherish every moment I got with you.