Merry Christmas Babes.
Babes, It's Christmas Day. That's really doesn't mean anything. For most things we create the meaning and then, it means something. Christmas Day is really just a day. Other cultures celebrate different days, some don't recognize it at all. And for me the realness of this experience is always there. I don't need a Christmas Day to feel it. It is just another day, but that in no way makes it easier. Every single day is hard. Every single day I miss you. I stay up late every night writing you or looking at your pictures. I had been doing ‘well’ in the earlier months, I got a lot done. In those months my fight or flight response was through the roof and it kept the pain mostly at a distance. I was able to deal with many of the logistics that needed to be taken care of. It wasn’t really living though it was just doing the tasks, like an alien. I didn’t feel human and still struggle with that. Now I am noticing I have no idea how to experience joy. How to let myself have a good time. Around really good friends or Heather for moments I have fun. But being here on retreat where things are slow and there is no familiarity or routine I am confronted with my inability to play. My physical body has done all the things that are ‘fun’ but my emotional body and thoughts are barely hanging on. The only thing that feels really good, where for moments I forget about it all is during a strong yoga class. The teacher here has a sweet flow and it feels so good in my body. Only as I unlock the energy in the body after practice I feel so much. The trade off of feeling, if you are going to feel you are going to have to feel it all. I have always taught that as people build emotional awareness, it will be to it all. Sure enough, when I get the delight of feeling at home in my body in practice I get the aftermath of the pain that was unlocked flooding me.
This is a safe space for me to feel it all. For me to go there. Not surprising there are many people here who have crazy stories. I guess being on retreat over Christmas most of us are trying to get away from something, to heal something, to see things differently. Each person in the group so lovely. I will run a healing retreat. The power of an intentional group is amazing, and while my emotions are harsh they beg to be felt. There is no other way. I either feel whatever comes up or I become oppressed. So I vow to step up and feel the sobering emotions till one day they clear enough to let the 'pleasant' ones in.
I was asked today if I think I am still in shock. I said no compared to where I was but I think the answer is really yes. It is both the most profound knowing, like my soul knows you are gone and this layer of disbelief. I look at you in pictures and can't believe this happened. You, so amazing, I think I took you for granted.
You knew how to live. You loved people, you loved life. So vibrant and full of joie de vivre.
So yes. It is Christmas Day and today, like every single 131 days since, I am missing you.
I am tortured by your loss. Not because it's Christmas, but because the pieces of you that had grown into me were ripped out and it hurts like hell. I am always loving you.