Are You Kidding Me?
Ok I saw this article that went viral a few weeks ago and it infuriated me. http://on.fb.me/1O4wFPJ. I see articles saying don't ask people if they want to have kids, or if they want to have a family. Cause we don't know if they are having issues or have had a miscarriage. I think that's ridiculous. Can we isolate ourselves anymore? Please, struggle in silence we wouldn't want to have a real moment with anyone now would we? Be wrapped in grief but put on a pretty face.
I am sick of this idea that we shouldn’t ask people about their lives because they might be going through something real. Like they forget about it, let me tell you, we do not forget. I am tired of the surface conversation, the instagram, facebook, perfect fake personas that we are creating. This bullshit idea that our lives are just vacations, success, happiness, perfect meals, and staged family photos. Now more than ever I am sick of this. If I ask you about your desire for a family tell me about it. Can we have an honest conversation about your life, about your experience right now?
Why the hell can we not talk about it?
Can we be human to human?
Tell me the truth, yes I would love a family but it isn't going as I hoped. How about that. Now we can get somewhere, now there is a connection. Maybe we wouldn't be so fucked up if we just stopped hiding. Maybe we would have support, and real connection, maybe we would feel better.
People have asked me how my wedding was...Not everyone heard and I wear the rings.
I will never lie to smooth over the moment.
I was asked about it the other week from a guy I knew a long time ago. I just said it, ‘there wasn't a wedding my fiance passed away.’
He said, ‘holy shit Chels I am so sorry. In the next breath he said to me, ‘Chelsea, if you need anything I am here for you. How can I help.’
In that moment I had another member of my community, my family, a real friend. We now have a deeper connection. This is not to say tell everyone and anyone all about your life. But consider this, if someone is asking about your life, they might actually care and want you tell them what is going on.
Get real with those around you and you might see you were never alone at all.
I am not saying spew all you emotional waste over everyone. I am definitely not suggesting you blog about your life… that's crazy. I am however saying be honest. Why are you hiding your experience of this life, why are we hiding the realness that has the potential to connect us the most?
Hey you look a little tired lately, you ok?
-O yea I'm great. As you battle illness.
Hey where's your hubby it's been awhile since I've seen him?
-O he's just busy with work, as you are going through a divorce.
No drinks for me, antibiotics. As you are 20 days sober.
How is being a new mom?
-It's the best I'm a natural! As you suffer with postpartum sadness.
Can we entertain the idea that those around us can handle the truth. And even more are eager to be there for us? If you act like you have it all together you can't be pissed when the world thinks you have it all together. When no one around you is supporting you as you need, maybe it is because you aren’t letting them.
I think it is so important to share the behind the scenes. We can make things look however we like but what is really going on? I think that it is important to share about the realness. The dark side that is really not that inspiring, but that is truthful. The harsh reality that sometimes it is very hard for me to go out. So when you see me out and everything looks fine know that for me, getting there most likely took a huge amount of effort. I for the most part fake the response I feel is expected for the situation, especially with strangers. As they insist on asking ‘how are you?’ I feel like saying why are you fucking asking me that, you don’t really want to know. But I get that it is an off the cuff thing we say so I answer, ‘fine’. I lie to make it easier on myself and them, but I refuse to lie all the time, to hide the realness of this. I encourage you to speak your story. Again be intentional with where and when but do not live in hiding. You do not need to suffer alone. We are all in this together, we are not that different.
There are so many people suffering but they do a good job at getting it together. For that time you experience them, maybe it's at work, or the occasional social function, they look good so we think they are good. But remember that people can do a good job at making things look good. I have had many people tell me how good I look. Well, I am still showering and lucky for me my hair looks OK right out of the shower, and yes I do try to only wear clean clothes so, thanks for noticing. How I look has never been a deep motivational factor for me and even less so now. But what I think they are getting at is if I look good, things must be good. Untruth. This is the thing with the way we have structured our lives. Where our tribe is less cohesive, people aren’t in our lives all the time. We have boundaries and we can construct how we are being perceived. I invite you to construct a little less, take the mask off and let us see you. The whole you, as you are, we will love you through it all.
If you want to feel connected, connect. If you want to feel heard, speak honestly. If you feel isolated, seek community. If you feel like no one will understand try being more truthful. If you feel unseen, stop hiding. If it feels like no one is there, ask yourself if you are open to receive.
We can only be as supported as we will allow. If it seems like everyone is moving on but you, share that with them. They may be delighted to slow down and pause with you.
The secret is killing you. It is our choice to hide and retreat. We cannot blame others for not being as we need if we won’t share with them what we need. Be clear with what your needs are; ask for help. Then those around you can show up for you.
By sharing honestly my people have not forgotten that things are not ‘back to normal’ for me. My experience of life right now edgy and rough, as well as sweet and precious. I can be happy, but there is a strong undercurrent of sadness. They get that because I tell them. They know everyday I am working through this. I look normal, this is not a physical injury so people around can forget. If I want them to know, I have to tell them.
If you feel like no one gets it, tell them. Tell me. ~with all my love