Haunted

Babes. I have been even more sad the last few days. It's really real and it is really sad. I'm just sad. Today I cleaned out our bedroom, took out the bed and the night stands. If I am ever going to go in there other than in passing to get clothes, I'm going to have to make it mine. I made sure when we moved in that it was inviting for me and you, so much so all I can see is you. I have no idea how I'm going to make it OK for me to be in there. That goes for the office, and your bathroom as well. 

It is gutting going through things, even my own things. My end table is full of pens, I would take them off your desk and you'd always wonder where they went. My end table had like 30. I had the heat packs you got me because I get so cold in the winter and the matching lululemon watch I got both of us. It's just really sad.

As the shock wears off parts of me feel more normal but the sadness deeper and stronger. I'm sad and I miss you so much. All I can do is move forward. You'd say,  'you're either growing or you're dying', you were speaking of business but... I'm not sure sometimes which one I'm doing.

So I sit in our empty room going through a few of our things and I can't believe this is really happening. No matter how busy or crazy our days, we always made the time before bed our time.  Before bed chats, you'd usually have something funny for us to watch on your phone, we would laugh, cuddle and unwind. It stings so bad sitting here alone in this empty space. It pains me. Avoiding it is just as awful. There is no way around this. Seeing your stuff  tears up my heart, but the empty space;  haunting.

It is Halloween. You were to be in Japan so wouldn't be here with me anyway, but it's very different. I would surely not be trying to get rid of enough that was us so I can piece together some resemblance of a life, but keeping what is precious so I do not fall apart.

I don't want to do this. I don't want to go on without you.

There is no other way to say it. It is just so sad. To lose the love of your life; it is sad. It feels like it is ripping me apart. I really can't believe this is true. I am redecorating our room just for me? 

Babes, I'm trying not to feel sorry for myself but, I am sorry. 

I love you so very much.