Arrived

Yesterday I passed the exam for Professional Practice in Psychology. My last hurdle in becoming a registered psychologist.

The exam preparation was by far the absolute hardest thing I have ever done by choice, and I seriously grappled with walking away from it many times.

It cost me a lot. Not only financially, although that too. But in other significant ways, it pushed me to my edge mentally, the stress manifested physically, and I had everything from chronic headaches, to stomach upset, to insomnia, to depression. I spent the last 4 months consumed in this process. While 4 months really isn't that long when I was in it, I actually didn't know when I'd be done. How much studying would be enough, if I'd pass or have to write it again, I had no idea when I'd be 'ready.' Even walking in yesterday, I had no idea if I'd done enough; I just knew I'd had enough.

It's been a lot. I went into my Master's program still deep in grief for the loss of my fiancé and the life I thought I would have. I had just moved to Fort McMurray a few months before the application deadline. I applied, not very invested in the outcome. I remembered I didn't even reread my application. Then I was accepted. Graduate school started, and I didn't have the books yet. Not a great start because there were assignments on day one. I was behind. I was still deep in pain and sadness, but I eventually got into the school rhythm. School forced me to use the left side of my brain, logic, reason, reading and where our positive emotions emerge. I believe that process helped balance me out. After Rene's death, I was all emotion. I couldn't access much logic or reason, I was impulse and feelings. I think school helped bring parts of my mind back online.

I efforted through grad school, and then there was actually starting the new career as a therapist. That part I loved. Nervous at the start but also felt at ease. Still, it came with supervision and supervision hours and then there was the board ethics exam, there is a ton of paperwork and applications to complete, and then, if you make it through all that, you can take the EPPP.

I was not prepared for the amount of preparation it would be. Looking back, I can see a few other life things that probably exasperated the overwhelm, but still, the massive amount of content for this exam prep hit me hard. I nearly walked away, and am so grateful to those close to me who showed up and supported me through this. It was not a nice process, and I owe much of my success to a few amazing people who navigated it with me.

Now I'm here.

It's been 7 years since Rene passed, I've moved 8 times, to 2 new cities, and I'm ready to simply enjoy my life. I know tomorrow isn't a guarantee, and it's a matter of when not if I, or a loved one, gets sick or hurt or passes away. I found putting my life on hold to study for an exam that in no way actually made me better at my work so profoundly out of alignment for me. As I sit here this morning, I am relieved it's over. That's the thing about some things. They don't bring you joy, they simply come as an absence of something else, pressure, striving, fear. I don't like living like that, yet that's been part of my journey for a while. Being at the bottom of our next level is hard, it's a grind, it's a steep learning curve.

I'm so content at the thought of having time and mental space to work with clients again, to find a place to call my own, and to peacefully enjoy my life.

With love