Can You Really Know How Much It Means to you?


Babes, You'd love it here. It's so beautiful and calm with music everywhere and lots of people out and about. I'm sure we would be scuba diving together, but right now I am working on my fear of water. I have been in the ocean a few times but am undeniably fearful of its power. One thing at a time really, I'll work through that someday. I sit here having a lovely breakfast after a sunrise walk on the beach and it should be wonderful but as I sit here I cry for you. Or maybe for me, I can't really tell anymore, it's just sad.

There was a wedding on the beach the other day and I couldn't help but think of our wedding; that never happened. It just never happened, there was no breakup or huge fight. No calling it off, no need to inform guests. Like a lot of plans he had, now just never going to happen. Our wedding was to be 27 days after your death and I never grieved the loss of our wedding, the date came and went while I was just trying to get by, there wasn't a lot of processing happening than. So I walked by the beautiful beach wedding and part of me was so happy for them. I love love like never before, but part of me wondered if they knew how precious it all was. I know I didn't. I didn't know just how special you were, how sacred our moments together were. I just didn't get it like I do now. It's kind of a sick trade off. I know about love and life in this other way, this more profound way, but it came at the cost of you and all we were to be. Babes, I know you know how much I loved you. Even though we never got married I am glad you asked and that you will know forever that I wanted to live all my life with you. Thank you for sharing all yours with me. In the airport I overheard a guy telling his friend he was going to buy some car. She asked if it made sense and he said, 'you know life is short, I have a friend and he died at 36. I'm 35 and don't want to wait'. I heard his words and knew the reality of them all too well. Only for me the paradox is knowing all about that need to seize the day and yet so often feeling completely unable to live. Feeling like I am tripping, feeling lost. As I sit here and have breakfast I would rather not be fighting back tears and wishing things were different. Next to me is a sweet family, I have seen them around town a few times now. She is pregnant and they have an adorable little guy, maybe 3. They are a sweet little family, playful and fun with one another as I imagine we would have been. You were the one that wanted kids so much, I wasn't even sure. But sitting next to them my heart hurts for the crazy curly haired baby we will never have, for the family we had hoped to be. See I know about being grateful for each and every moment, yet these moments are challenging for me to appreciate. I have heard from people that have lived loss like this for longer than I have that this is just how it will be. That there will forever be these moments where all seems well but the internal dialogue is brings tears to my eyes.

These are tears of love babes, and in that I guess they are beautiful. I am loving you Rene.