Healing an Energetic Wound.
* I know this could be flushed out and should probably be separated into many writings. In fact I believe this might be the basis of my book. While I have had many people suggest/request a book it wasn't till I finished the rough draft of this that I felt an internal call to explore the possibility of creating one. This for me is a big moment, almost 9 months after Rene died I get it, the healing of this needs to be energetic. My being was already moving me towards this but now I am aware of it. The path has revealed itself enough that I can see more clearly and support myself more intentionally.Anyways, if you are willing to sift through this diamond in the rough, you might find a little gem for yourself. I share it with you with only love, take what you need and leave the rest.
The hurt stemming from the sudden loss of my beloved is always there. Even when things are good, when I am good, right underneath is this pain, sometime searing sometimes subtle but never too far from my awareness. Like a lady who is pregnant, she lives her life but there is always a knowing of the baby inside. Unlike growing a life, I have lost a life, but the constant awareness I imagine similar. For me something untangle has broken, and that part hurts, it throbs, it stings, and it aches. Like those living with a physical wound I am learning the ways to ease the pain; the equivalent to icing and bandages for the energetic body. Only we are not well versed in this realm of healing, maybe because modern medicine doesn't recognize this type of wound. If my broken heart consisted of blocked arteries there would be a clear treatment plan, replace them. But my broken heart is an energetic wound, energetic arteries are blocked and in that my culture not only has little experience, they would rather turn a blind eye. In the name of ‘science’, there is a denial of the power of that which they cannot deconstruct. However, anyone who has ever had a 'broken heart' know just how real it is. Healing this sort of wound is special, it will require an energetic healing process. Now I know to some this will sound new age and out there, but really this is as old as time. Before there was any kind of modern medicine, there was healing from loss. A constant that connects all cultures through all time; life and death. In that I take comfort, I believe we were born able to make peace with death, our own and others. It is the only thing fated in all our lives, the only given, the only guarantee, and yet we try to deny and defy it. Sadly my culture doesn't pay death any respect, sure we show up one day dressed in our best for a funeral and send flowers, but that is surface, that is just going through the motions, ‘paying respect’ as an act of duty not an act of reverence. (To those of you who showed up in your best and sent flowers I love you, and thank you so much, this is not about you. You were amazing, this is a bigger commentary, please do not think you were any less than perfect for me). My culture strives for eternal youth, they look upon aging with disgust, and skip over endings. I have come to see that my culture by discrediting death, discredits life. So for now I set out on my own healing quest. One that acknowledges death, and in so revels in life. A journey that will heal the parts of me that we don't even have words for that broke when Rene died.
The fact that there is so little language for this experience illuminates our ambivalence towards it. Sad really, because it is only through this knowing of death that I am really learning about life. We understand something in relationship to something else. Light has meaning because we know dark and visa versa. Tired and energized, full to hungry, we need the continuum to make sense of things. If we only lived in one state we would not know it as anything, happy wouldn't be happy it would just be, but having been sad, or frustrated, or content, we know happy. See, our understanding is relative to something else. So in denying death, how do we really know life? My culture pathologizes pain. They do not want to see this kind of expression, and I can see why. It is gruesome, to watch someone in a sort of energetic pain so intense it manifests in the physical must be hard to witness. We are so uncomfortable with it we try to mute it, at the expense of the person suffering, at the expense of us all. It is as though be believe, if it looks good it is good, and that way of operating is damaging. I remember as soon as I was told Rene had died I started screaming. I went into the backyard, I felt like I couldn't even breathe, my whole body shook, and I was screaming. There were a few people with me, and I could hear the soft shhhhh. I know it is what we do, it is said to be soothing but what I felt was, be quiet. I remember that so clearly, all I could do was scream No, no,no and I was 'comforted' by soft shhhhhhs. But one of the men said, let her scream, let her get it out. Even then in that fucked up moment I remember feeling ease for the permission to scream. I had no idea at the time how important the expression of emotion would be in healing. Only moments after that I shut down. A wall went up,and I became emotionless. From a practical point of view that served me well, I could function and take care of many things, but from a healing point of view I believe I must reconnect with that part that knew how to clear, the part that wanted and needed to scream. To give myself permission to express whatever shows up, and even coax it out since I have been taught by my culture to suppress, to shhhhh.
We are programmed to try to ease the expression of the pain. We are not really taught about healing a hurt, we are taught about hiding a hurt. It starts from babies, we will do anything to hush their cries, their temper tantrums, their screaming, hell even their laughter if it’s too loud. I believe that hiding and diminishing the expression of our feelings is causing illness. I have witnessed the amount of energy that has come through/ out of me since I found out Rene died and have to wonder, where would that go if I did it 'their' way; medicated and numbed?
Depression? Cancer? Fibromyalgia? All that energy has to go somewhere, and those of you who have witness hurt like this you know how powerful it is, you can see it, you can feel it, it is real. I have no doubt it would cause sickness in me if I were to suppress it. My process right now is an exorcism, it can be awful and ugly, but it gets it out and that is better than having it fester in me. This wound will demand my attention one way or another. I either tend to it now, through art, music, yoga, therapy, acupuncture, energetic modalities, or I suppress, dull, medicate, and ignore until this energetic wound shifts to the physical and presents years from now as a tumour, or psychosis, or an autoimmune disease.
This is of course not to say that every disease is rooted in trauma, or that every suppressed hurt will create disease. Still, we have the 'most advanced' medicine we have ever had, and we have never been more sickly. Yes, we are surviving for longer but how many of us feel really alive? My culture would rather I live in a haze of grey, than in vivid color, especially if the colors aren’t pretty. For me right now, some of the colours are dark, deep, and shocking but at least it's not all washed out grey. I have experienced tremendous life in this hurt, in the dark, and by contrast I have been given access to beauty like I had never known before. I would rather know all the colours (even the ‘ugly’ ones) than live in beige, just getting by and feeling really nothing.
See, my only options right now are; feel nothing or feel all this anguish, I didn't choose this but here I am. I believe if I feel my way through this process one day the lows will lessen, but I will forever have an appreciation for life most will go their whole existence never knowing. However, if I live in the blurry grey of medication and suppression this moment may feel a little easier, but it is a trap. For the day I want a zest of colour I will be right back here, hanging with the hurt. Time will not mend the wound, just like time will not fix your blocked arteries or your tumor. This energetic injury needs care and attention, it needs support in order to heal, it needs a treatment plan.
For some of us it's like that. We didn't choose the dark but we are in it, it's OK. Be with it and step-by-step go from there. If it is an energetic hurt, you will probably be best served with an energetic healing and like most rehabilitation, it is going to hurt. But with steady, constant care, you’ll work it out.
Going through something intense will leave us different, I better be different. How pissed would I be if I lived through this and was the same, what a fucking waste. Don’t be afraid of the evolution, let this life grow you, transform you, let it give you access to being alive.
As always, I am in no way giving you advice, I could never know what is right for you. These are simply my observations as of right now. ~with all my love