What Pressure To Enjoy Life.


Babes, Sometimes it feels like a dream. I can't tell if this version of life without you feels like the dream or the life we had. Now it’s all confusing. Like there is no possible way to reconcile my realities. It's as though one must be fake. Did I dream you? Am I dreaming now and I'll awaken to you one day? I am often flooded with this confusion, this deep sense of disbelief.

I think being here pushes things a little because there is nowhere to hide. I can't distract with work, or friends. Here I am all alone, no Ollie which might be the worst part. No tasks to get done and a lot of day to fill. This is the dream, for most. But for me it is a lot of pressure. I feel this desire to want to enjoy it all, but sometimes feel unable. Of course I have beautiful moments. I have made some lovely friends, the yoga is great, and each day has good times. But you know when we would be on vacation, all day was great? Well usually and when it wasn’t it wasn’t like this. I long for that, it is like part of me believes that's how it is supposed to be. So it is hard to be a peace with the brutal moments. I’m on vacation, but there is no vacation from this.

I thought I would still be sad, it's not like I thought  I would come here and all my anguish would disappear. However, I didn't think about this annoying little voice that is angry that I am not enjoying my time more. To be all the way over here, in this perfect place, and feeling so empty. That is a hard to make peace with.

The evenings are usually the worst. I have no desire to make small talk or chat with strangers. I see everyone around me having a great time, and feel like an alien; completely unable to match their joy. I have been thinking about what you must have been like when you traveled Europe. We weren’t technically together but you called me and wrote me often. I actually just found those postcards not long before I left to come here. You would be the life of the party I am sure of it.

Babes, I find myself reaching for your hand. Wanting to share a meal, a joke, or a kiss. While I could find someone here to do any of that with, I could not be less interested. See there are all the people, I could have anything I wanted, if I could bring myself to want anything other than you. I miss you and I miss me, the me I used to be, the me you know.

I am unnaturally empathic now. You used to bug me about it before, babe if you were to see me now, you wouldn’t even know what to do. Haha you were less than empathic, so we were the perfect pair, balancing each other. But now, I feel others pain so deeply. There’s a wild fire in Fort McMurray and it is so crazy and people have lost their homes and some their pets and my heart breaks for their loss. I know this is human nature, by design we feel for others, but this is on another level, almost debilitating.

A while before I left for this trip I arrived at the school to teach the teachers yoga and one of the teachers stopped me in the hall. A students didn’t make it home so she would be dealing with that and had to miss class. I walked away and tears ran down my face and my body started to shake, I felt the terror for that Mom. As it turns out the kid was fine and it was just a misunderstanding. But that is in me now; in a ruthless way I am sensitive.  I wonder if it will go away or if I am destined to live like this.

Rene, my love there really aren't words. I will go to sleep and maybe we will meet in my dreams. Love you