I got a tattoo in your memory. I had it done in November, 4 months after you died. I just never knew how to tell you. Like so many things that would 'normally' be fun, or exciting, or good are just not. Many things just sort of are, I can't really explain it, it's like the hurt overshadows.
It's funny ‘cause if you were here and asked me to get a tattoo symbolizing you I would have laughed. The realist in me would never have gone for it. I mean I had faith in us, but tattooing your name on my chest, hahaha unlikely. However, the truth is tattoo or not you were etched on my heart long before I even knew how much you meant to me.
Remember in N.Y. at the 108 Wanderlust when lululemon gave us the fake tattoos and I put mine on my chest? You thought it was hot and said I should get it for real. Haha, only it said balance and there was no way.
Well, shortly after your accident I thought of that and knew I would get this tattoo in the same spot, right over my heart. No matter where my life takes me, you will always be there. Sometimes the hurt is so bad my whole body aches. I can hardly breathe and it is all I can do to press my hands on my chest, as if I am trying to literally hold my heart together.
I found the perfect artist to do it. Heather, not only was her attention to detail as sharp as yours, I connected with her humanness. She had never met me, but knew our story and as soon as I spoke to her I could feel her love. She was the right fit, I wanted not only to love my tattoo but to connect with the artist.
Heather created my tattoo using letters from a note you wrote me, the one in the You Can Do Anything book. It is your writing, only polished up, like you were doing your very best knowing it would remain forever on my chest.
Dagan came with me to get it done, and at the time I was still numb. Not only emotionally disconnected but also physically relatively numb. I hardly even felt the scratch of the needle. Engulfed by a pain so deep the surface sting felt like a relief. To feel anything was in a way welcomed. The tiny scab that formed over it flaked off within a week and my skin healed, but it will never be the same.
In this way my heart will heal from your loss, but also it will never be the same. This tattoo the only visible mark on my body representing what was, what could have been, and what I have lived through. Possibly one of the more beautiful imprints, my invisible scars are not as pretty. Scabs will form and one day even those that think they know me well will be shocked to hear of our story. It is already like that, many people new to my life don't know. They don't know about the tattered and mangled heart that lies just below the surface, because my beloved, they don't see the wound of your loss, they only see the light of your life.
I can just picture your face, if I came home with this. You'd be so stoked, and laugh that beautiful laugh. Babes, I miss your laugh, God I miss you. I hope this makes you smile.
You Rene are beloved, you will forever be my beloved, and because of you I will always Be Loved.
I'm Loving you.