The Roller Coaster


Babes, I'm here in Vancouver talking about a project that should be exciting, that is exciting, only it only exists because you don't and that messes with me.

I can see why some people go through something like this and refuse to move on in any meaningful way. Why they self sabotage. ‘Cause feeling shitty when it's shitty feels normal. However feeling this shitty when something exciting happens only illuminates how messed up I am.  As life moves on I  am living all these experiences I would never be having if we were still us, and I am also not living all the experiences we thought we would be. Both of those rip at my soul.  As odd as it sounds it is odder to live; the sweeter moments in life are harder than the mundane.

The higher the high the further the fall. It is always the drop that flips our stomach, that makes us so aware of how high we were, or how low we are. It is the fear of the fall that often prevents the climb. I understand that now more than ever. I can see why people stay stuck, at least in the stuck there is no juxtaposition, no contrast of how happy I ought to be. Staying small and doing nothing while lame offers a predictable comfort. Like how I used to hate travel days, the days spent on the airplane and in airports. I  feel nauseous when traveling and those days used to feel like a waste, I couldn't wait to arrive at our destination. Now, I find those days comfortable, everyone is on my level. There is no expectation of a wonderful day, and in that there is a sort of relief. Like the rainy days are sort of welcomed for me, everyone is a little pissed about it and in that I feel at ease. The sunny beautiful days are harder, when everyone is stoked on life and so fucking happy. I think that is why my trip to Australia was tough, those around me were having the time of their lives. They were free and light and I, well I wasn’t. Being around them only highlighted how hurt I was, how far away I was from the girl that I used to be.

Yesterday in Vancouver I saw two couples having wedding pictures taken when I was walking in Stanley Park. I have always loved weddings, while I was in absolutely no rush to have one of my own, I have been drawn to their beauty, to the hope, to the promise, to it all. I stood and watched as they tried to find the perfect angle and the best shots, surrounded by their wedding parties. I watched and I wondered if they knew what the person standing in front of them really meant to them. I wondered but knew the answer. No. There is no way. I thought I was a fairly awake person. Not overly attached to the trivial, and I know I saw you and loved you the best I could, but fuck. Knowing what I know now, I am certain I never showed you all you meant to me, because I didn’t fully know.

Now I have this knowing about the fragility of life but for what? I have this lesson but I don't have you, so I guess the best I can do is teach it.

Anyway I came here for a meeting that ended up being wonderful. I had no expectations as I came out, I thought maybe just a fun little visit to Vancouver, but was surprised with where it went. For a few moments after the meeting I was stoked, and then it hit me, then I was pissed off,  sad, angry, and frustrated. You were the only person I wanted to tell about it. The one person I needed to share this with. The one person I longed to call but couldn't. That drop flipped my stomach and left me unsettled. The rest of the evening I spent trying to fill the void. Trying to find something that would sooth the all encompassing loneliness. This lonely a unique feeling, although it is no longer unique to me, I have been hanging with it for over 10 months now. There is no one and nothing that can take it away, although I often still search for something, anything to ease it. 

Will the good in my life ever be just that, or am I destined to crash; to feel the fall after each high?

I think about the big moments in life and know that for me there will forever be an edge. I think about having a baby one day, and no matter how that comes to be there will be a sorrow, a sadness about what I had hoped for for us. I think about all the success I may have, and know that when the celebration ends I will go home to this sadness, an indescribable pain that you aren't there with me. Like last night, I had a really special day, one that I couldn’t ever have imagined, yet as I walked into my hotel room my heart sank, you should be here. Maybe not literally here but just a phone call away. 

Rene, I will live my life to its fullest in your honour, because to be honest if it were just for me I would probably stay small, stay stuck and while I would never get the highs of the good moments, I could avoid the pain of the fall. However, you’d never go for that. If I live small it is like a slap in the face to you. You my love lived full on and wanted that for everyone around you. So I vow to you, I  will get used to the roller coaster as I step into every opportunity I get. This is just how it is for me now, the range of emotions much greater, much deeper and although it can hurt like hell there is also a beauty.

I know how happy you would be for me right now, I can imagine what you’d say, see your smiling face, and I can almost feel your hug. Thank you for expecting great things from me, it keeps me going when it would be far far easier to check out. I am missing  you.