Heartbreaking Happiness.


Babes, I dreamt of you last night. It was so vivid and clear, I woke up and remembered much of it. I almost never remember my dreams, but this one I not only remembered but could feel the emotion of it. I never saw your face but it was you, it was for sure you. You were visiting me here in Fort Mac with some of our friends. It was good at first but quickly I found out that you were cheating on me with one of the girls that had come with you to my house. I was so mad, I screamed at you both and told you to leave. I threw things and swore I would never talk to you again. You tried to change my mind telling me you loved me, but I pushed you away feeling so betrayed. Out of character for me, in real life I would probably never do that. No matter how mad I am it is as though I don’t know how to yell in anger. But in my dream I was devastated and so expressive.

I know that my dream is really about me. About what I am going through now. About how I am feeling about myself as I start to let someone else in, like I am cheating on you. I have worked so fucking hard to be in a place where your death isn't stopping me from living. I tried to avoid vices that would get me in trouble, or be in the way of my healing. I never turned to drugs or drinking, or even another man. That would have been my go to, a guy. Any guy really; my drug of choice. The worst thing I hope I will ever experience and I had to go through it alone, having lost you, the one place that I felt the safest, your arms. It was cruel, the worst experience of all time and since it took your life I didn't even have you to fall into. I resisted the desires to grab any dude for a moment of distraction from my real life.

I knew it would be a brutal cycle or trying to fill a void that could not be filled. It would be guy after guy, like an addiction it would no longer even be about the drug just the pain it was momentarily masking. I am grateful I felt the severity of the ache without the temporary band-aid,  it  brought me to this place. To this new place where I am no longer in the thick of the mess; I am no longer a mess. Although I am different, more complex and more layered. Still, having gone through the worst of it alone I am not  fragile or needy like I would have been.  Not garbing at anything to ease the crisis. It is a much more honest way; I don't need him, I want him.

It is almost my birthday and I can feel myself sad that you won't be here for it. My second birthday without you. Last year felt so forced to be out, like I was just trying to prove I could go. This year still feels odd. You aren’t here and won’t be for any of it. Unlike a breakup there was no closure. I loved you and you me. That never changed only you were ripped away. I never got to fight it out with you. I never got to fall out of love. I don't get to creep your social media when I am missing you and get a brutal shock of reality seeing you happily living life propelling me to move on. But move on I must, and I am most alive when I am with someone.

I am meant to love, I crave skin-to-skin. My love language is touch and it brings me to life. I loved sharing a bed with you having your body next to mine. I adored being held by you, being the one you kissed, and groped. The one that experienced a part of you no one else got. I not only loved you, I loved being loved by you. Now, that is no more. I will never have that again, but I am struggling to let anyone else hold that space.

He is sweet and our chemistry intense. I had forgotten how much I needed that. I mean I didn’t really forget, let’s be serious. I would see a hot guy and think, he’ll do. But never actually pursue it. I wasn't ready. I am not sure I am really now. Still, he fell into my life and I like it, only his presence is pushing my edge a little. Forcing me to face my guilt of living this part of my life after your death.

My love, I am sorry I am no longer living this lifetime with you. I am missing you and still think of you everyday. I am at times longing for you, but I am simultaneously living this. This new chapter, this time where I once again get to find happiness from connecting with someone on this level. A kind of connection I am really good at. For me intimacy and touch are essential, but it isn’t as clean as it used to be. Now there are layers of sadness, confusion, and guilt on top of the excitement, fun, and yumminess. This is the way it is now for many things, joyous and painful all mixing together. 

Birthday week is no exception,  part of me just wants to sleep for the entire week until it has passed, pretending it’s not happening. Not because I am upset about turning 31. Fuck, I have lived enough that 31 doesn't scare me. But because you won’t be here and that is really really sad. He asked to come visit and will be here for my birthday.   I don’t think he knows it’s my birthday it is just the time that worked for him. Of course I want to see him, only I freaked out. How do I juggle the pain of your death and the joy of my new life?   I have worked really really hard for this. To be in a place where I am receptive to life, to being happy again, but now that it is happening it makes me sad. To be happy with another, the lived experience is amazing. To finally feel that connection again, but it is also one hell of a challenge. My happiness is relieving a new layer of sadness.

You had  joked that you never wanted me to ever find anyone else if you died. Not like we talked about it much but I remember once when it came up that you said you never wanted me to be with anyone other than you, ever. But I think you feel differently now. Somehow when you died my love for you became unconditional, this sort of all encompassing pure love for all you were and all we had. No longer restrained by the confines of this life our love is free. I hope you are loving and being loved. I hope you can continue to love me as I live my day-to-day here. As I connect with others, as I fall in and out of love with all this life has in store for me. I need you to be Ok with this, I need to be Ok with this.   Please be happy for me as I learn to be happy for myself. ~with love