I Miss You in the Deepest Way.


Babes,Today has been rough, this weekend has been hard… most days are challenging.Chelsea Rene

Tonight we would probably make a yummy dinner and watch a movie together. I'm eating take out. I mostly eat take out, you'd love it. But I would never have let us eat like this before. Now the idea of going to the grocery store and making food in our kitchen makes me feel bad. So I don't.  I miss you. I miss who I was with you. I miss who I was. I miss me.

I have been feeling off all day, and unable to get focused, it is happening more and more. It seems like everyday there is something that needs to be dealt with and it is wearing on me. I got mail from Service Canada saying that I need to prove we were common law. So I have to collect all that. Then our office 365 subscription ended. I didn't even know that was a thing, but do now. I need to print things but I used to always print from your computer and I shut that off a long time ago and can't seem to bring myself to turn it back on. so now, I just have things adding up to print. 

It is brutal having to go all over town asking them to get me documents to prove what we were.  It feels like my subconscious knows all the pain and only lets little pieces through. I am back teaching and trying to socialize but it feels like there is a constant dread looming over me. It feels like I forgot something. You know how when we would travel you would repeatedly check for your wallet, our passports, and your phone. Again and again. I feel like I am constantly checking for you. There is a knowing you are missing and it follows me everywhere. It hurts always, but sometimes it hurts even more. It is this deep knowing, it usually hurts the deepest when we would have been together. Like I just know you should be near me. Friday and Saturday evenings. Sunday afternoons all the way till bedtime. Every bedtime, we had a routine. for 6 years, we had a routine. Mid afternoons and late evenings. We would get little glimpses of time throughout the days to see each other. It's like the pain is so hot it feels cold. It is like that, indescribable and almost unbearable.

Rene, I miss you. I miss you in the deepest way, a way I never knew possible.

I am loving you, I am sending you so much love.