Mind The Gap
I have become so aware that my pain and suffering lives in the gap, in the space between what is and what i wish was. In the space between reality and what I thought was going to be. The life I had with Rene was not sad, it was anything but, and yet sometimes when I think about him I am sad. I know it is not the memories, if he were still here those would make me laugh,or smile, and from time-to-time they still do, but they can also tear me up. They are sad for me because they drag me into the gap, they lead my mind into all that I thought was going to be, but is not. I now see others stuck in ‘the gap’ everywhere. The ‘struggle’ people put on themselves because they are unwilling to be with what is. To make peace with their reality. I will offer you this, life is good. If yours is not you and only you need to sort that out. Either by taking control of your choices or possibly you just need to mind the gap. I have been taught a very real lesson in the way of what is ‘supposed’ to be… There is no supposed to be. There is only what is. Our work is to do our best, to show up in every moment, creating all that we can, and then let go, let it be, and play with the moment.
Rene and I had an entire lifetime of supposed to bes, some more concrete like the wedding 27 days from the accident. There was a dress, there were guests coming, there were speeches prepared and gifts bought. Others more conceptual, like one day we will have kids, we will go to Africa, and we will live happily ever after... Here is the thing, my life is still good.
I am OK. I am safe, I am fed, I have work I love, I have a wonderful community, and the most precious friends. I have a nice life… It is the gap that fucks with me. It is the loss of a life I was creating, the loss of a love I mistakenly assumed I would have for so much longer. The gap is still tripping me. Some shifts in life are so large it takes time to mend the space in between, take that time, you can’t just roll over it. For me this gap so deep the stitches will need some time to take, but I keep tending to them. I will not let this gap remain forever. If I chose to live in the gap, it would swallow me, but I understand that it is only upon reconciliation of the space between what is and what I thought could have been that I will find peace. There is the possibility of peace in most moments. In most situations all that is required is closing the gap. Finding some way to be with what is and letting go of all other possibilities, and in that moment we are free. There we are alive, the struggle of living one way but longing for another will be gone, an ease will take its place. The mind no longer scheming, the heart no longer longing, and the soul no longer searching. We are where we are.
Take ownership over your life, if you want something go for it, but when it unfolds differently than you expected or wanted the faster you can see what is really happening and be cool with that the better the experience of life is going to go for you.
It is simple, but it may not be easy… Now that you know about it you’ll start to see it everywhere. The gap is rampant in our culture.
I see it in pregnant mommas, telling me how their pregnancies are awful because they are sick...OK Ill give you that that must be rough, however being sick for 9 months, knowing exactly why and knowing it will end at the birth of your sweet baby is actually something we can manage. We can get through that and I am just going to say it; even in that there are sweet moments. The sadness comes from the larger dream. The belief that they were supposed to have a great pregnancy, stay really active till the birth, have the glow and be so happy. When life didn’t play out like that they are unhappy with the pregnancy. What if they softened into their new way of being, rested more, and just made peace with being sick… Then they might find some freedom. Stop trying to make it what it is not and settle into what is.
I see it in spouses that are getting a divorce, the anger over the way it was supposed to go. Well, if it was that important to you maybe you should have had a good long look at how things were going a long time ago. Now you are here, you must let go of the supposed to bes. 'We were supposed to grow old together, you were supposed to be this or that for me…' So instead of making this situation the best you can and being sweet to this person in your new roles, you hold on to what was supposed to be, and act like an ass in reality. Stop it, stop making your spouse wrong over the supposed to bes; we all change. You said you’d love them, so do that. See what is, the reality is probably amazing if you can get over what you thought it should be. They change, you change and if you can let go of holding them to be one way you can see how fucking awesome they are. All the beautiful possibilities for your life together by seeing what is and co-creating from there.
I see it in parents, you want your kids to be mini yous. They are ‘supposed’ to be whatever notion you had of how your kids would be. Then when they have a mind of their own and start to challenge you, you are frustrated. Is it really how they are being or is it just that they are not following your supposed to be? They want to be an artist and you dreamed of a lawyer… artists are cool to, get out of your own way and see them for who they are. In the moment see them and I mean really see them, in all their glory. There cannot be any gaps when it comes to your kids. You are here to usher their sweet souls as they grow; they are not meant to be you. Learn them instead of imposing on them. They may not be anything like you envisioned them… It doesn’t matter, be with what is. If you are stuck in the gap you are alienating them, that gap will get bigger and bigger until they don’t even want to reach for you.
You see it? Look at your life, where is your life actually great if you stopped living in the gap?
Trying to hold onto what you thought was going to be will only cause you to miss the beauty of what is. The more intentional we are about living in the moment the more we can engage with the small pleasures of being alive.
Let go of relationships of past, of grudges, missed opportunities, or ‘supposed to bes’. Bring all layers of yourself; your feelings, thoughts, and actions to this moment. Stop trying to make this what you thought it should be and live what is actually happening, reality is kinda rad, the ups the downs, it’s all part of being alive.
~with all my love.