It Will Get Better...
Babes, Babes, it has been 7 and a half months since the accident. I have this idea that it should hurt me less. This bullshit notion that my heart will stop aching, or my mind will stop begging for you, or my body will stop craving you. Why I think that I don’t know, maybe because this feels like an unbearable version of life so I trick myself into thinking it will get better. Another stupid idea we tell ourselves, it will get better. Babes, I learnt the hard way, sometimes it gets fucking worse, sometimes it gets so so bad, worse than you could ever have imagined. That’s the truth. That is not inspiring, not hopeful, but that is what happened to me. We were planning a wedding, a honeymoon, a precious life, and then this. This is now my life.
Babes, you need to know I am Ok. I have the most amazing friends, I am really blessed to have them, like I don’t even know how I have such amazing people around me but I cherish them. For the most part I am really Ok, but fuck this is a grind. It has taken a tole on my body; my sleep is erratic, my adrenals glands are struggling and my hormones are messed up. I have been told I need to rest, relax, and not exert myself. At first I was pissed to be told to give up some of my activities but to honest I am tired, I don’t really have it in me to keep them up anyway. It feels like there is loss after loss. All the losses around you not being here, but than also so many losses of me, of who I was. Times like tonight it’s all too much and I am so angry and so sad.
Today I had a nice day, I saw a lot of friends and had a nice evening out. But all that reminds me that you won’t ever be there for those good days. Tonight, out with the oranj family I missed you. It was casual and people brought their partners and I missed you by my side, I love them but I really missed you. Someone was talking about how it is now patio season and it hurts me knowing we will never enjoy those warm summer nights together. Drinks on the patio, that turned into late nights out. I try not to let myself get ahead of myself by thinking of the sadness to come, I try to only deal with them as they come, but here they are, coming. Every day a new thing, a new pain, a new lesson,a new loss. I have been dealing with your loss since the day it happened, that is over 225 days that I have every day tried to process and heal, and sometimes I can’t even tell if I have made any progress. But than I think of the girl I was a few months ago and I know I have come a long way. While Easter was sad and the four day holiday seemed to go on forever, I think back to me at Thanksgiving and in comparison I am much stronger now. Looking back at who I was a while back I feel sorry for that girl, I feel sad that she had to live what I did, so I know I am transforming. Though the process is slow, brutal, and confusing.
I am making a new life, I am really doing it, and it still hurts.
Rene, fuck, I am lost without you. I am doing it for you, when I feel like I can’t take it anymore, I do it for you. Thank you for loving me so completely and showing me how to live fullon, I had the best teacher and will make you proud.
I love you