It's surreal.


Babes,This sucks so much, but I think you'd be proud of me. I sealed the front walkway. I knew how to do it cause we just did the back deck. We both know if you were here to do it I would never have done it on my own. Partly because I wouldn't care about that stuff, I had you too, but mostly because you were such a perfectionist I wouldn't trust my work on those sort of things without you. I remember when we did the back deck I said it was so fun cause we were doing it together, not sure you found it as fun as I did. Since you're not here, I did my best. I think it looks good. It hurt so bad that you weren't here to do it with me. To see that I actually did it on my own. What the fuck. How does this happen? How is our house finally complete and you're not here? I can't understand. So I cry about it. I know crying isn't going to make anything better, sometimes I scream and yell and still others I talk to you. This is it, I am really on my own. I am trying to keep it all together, but sometimes I feel like I am barely hanging in there. I have done so much that I would have gotten you to help me with. I remember you showing me how to look things up that I just preferred to ask you to show me. You’d say that I need to know how to do this stuff. I never cared to, I had you. But now I have done so much you would be stoked to see me do. Things on the computer, in Photoshop, and at our house. I even tethered my laptop and phone when the Internet was down at the coffee shop. I know so little about that that I may not have used tethered properly that sentence. I remember you telling me about it once and I figured it out on my own, I know it is not difficult but it is not something I would have done without a call to you. I kinda feel like you might have been helping me. Some Things that normally would be difficult for me have been seamless, I wonder if you’re looking out for me. Now I need to tackle cutting Ollie's nails. You did that and I was more than happy to let that be your thing. I also did the last of your laundry today. It's surreal. You always wanted me to do your laundry but I resisted anything resembling being your mom and would rarely actually do it. I knew your smell would fade from your clothes, from our home, but it happened so fast. The night of the accident I got your dress shirt from the night before and it still had your smell. I also found a T-shirt that smelt like you. I still sleep with both, but it was only for a few days that anything smelt like you. I have your cologne but that's not really the same. That's like fresh dressed just showered before you go out, you smell. Not you in life all the time, me close to you all day every day kinda smell. I could feel it slipping away and now, gone forever. Getting through this is one hell of a fight for me.  I look to you for strength; you had an abundance so we will get through this.