Life Goes On, Does it?


I don't want to do anything. As the high wanes, the shock wears, the denial fades, and real life hits me in the face I am realizing that I don't want to do anything. I can't go back to our routines and ways of life for it rips me apart. It is truly unbearable when it sneaks in. Like early on I bought bananas, you always wanted to have them around and would take them for snacks almost daily. Only this time when I saw them sitting on the counter ripening, I knew no one was going to eat them. I couldn't stand it. I gave Ollie one and threw the rest out, I have never bought them since. I have started to notice my refusal to move on for real. Yes I am back at work and doing my day-to-day but nothing deeper, and right now barely even that. School is a struggle. No part of me cares, I was so excited for it. I actually had to persuade you that it was the right thing for me. Your business mind had a hard time reconciling the price tag and you thought I already had so much to offer. I knew that I wanted my masters and the keys to the door of my dream career. You got excited about it and even visited the campus with me. Now any drive I had for school is gone. I really couldn't care less. I know one day I will be glad I stayed the course but most days I think about dropping out. I couldn't figure out why I was so disengaged with school. 

After the accident I came across  a retreat,  I have been thinking about going. It is in Turks and Caicos, our favorite place to date.We had the most magicalBeach time when we were there. It was perfect. This retreat is with my favorite teacher, she is a big part of the reason we had the amazing relationship we had. She was the reason you picked NY for our surprise trip where you proposed. We took her class twice while we were there and she got to meet you. The retreat is called The Healing retreat. It is basically calling my name. I keep saying I'm going, but have refused to sign up or look at flights. Then just today it hit me. I do not want to move on. I do not want to get on a plane without you. Knowing you aren’t with me when I am going to our favorite place. Or that you aren’t at home faking being jealous that I am going on retreat without you, but really excited for me. You always encouraged me to do things, to go on retreat, or to travel; I don't want to do it without you.  I do not want a career without you, a vacation without you; I don't want a life without you. So I am stuck. I can't go back to what was and I won't move forward. Limbo, this weird place where nothing feels right. No versions of my life seem to fit. They are all missing one thing.

Rene, they are all missing you.