Reinventing

The time has come. I think deep down I have known this had to happen for a while, but I wasn’t ready. I needed the love and support of this town, of my people here. I could not have made it through this without you. But what was the nest is now the cage. I felt a relief moving out of what was my and Rene's home. There was a huge shift in my energy, I felt stronger. Only it didn’t last, within weeks I was more agitated. In this new place I couldn’t shake the knowing that Kelowna can no longer be home. Since Rene’s death I have only been willing to make extremely tentative life plans, unable to commit to much. I have felt this internal pressure to keep my life on track, but am completely stuck. Trying to keep the pieces of who I was together, knowing I am not at all that girl anymore. I have tried to keep my life together, but what was my life is no longer a fit. 

There is no way for me to make a future here. Memories of Rene and I are everywhere, and I am the girl who lost her fiance. Still, the decision to leave is tough. To leave the town I grew up in, the place I have called home my entire life, to say goodbye to my family and friends, it seems impossible. Letting go of the last of the life I thought I would have is painful, but staying here and being stuck seems worse.

Of course this is not what I want, but it hasn’t been about what I want since August 16th  2015. What I want died.

So I am doing my best and what I need is the freedom to explore who I am now. I need the opportunity to let go of who I was planning on being and to play with different versions of who I could be; something I won’t let myself do here. Here, in someway I will always want to keep the space for him to come back. Here, I will be held to who I was, and sadly she no longer exists.

As scared as I am I know my choice to leave is without a doubt the right one. I am grateful to Sheila, Tina, and oranj for having my back. The oranj family has stood by me through this, and continues to be amazing. So…. I am transferring to oranj Fort McMurray for January.

I know you may question why there... But for me Kelowna is no longer paradise. I need to go to a place where I can be anonymous. Where I can transition, where I have few responsibilities, and where I have enough space to figure out what is next for me.

This isn’t really about what I want, this is about what I need.

I have a deep fear that living through the sudden loss of my beloved will fuck me up for life. That I will always be messed up. That from afar I will look put together but up close you will see the broken. I don’t want to end up always choosing emotionally unavailable men, because I am too scared to ever really love again. I don’t want to have the appearance of a life, but feel lost every day. I don’t want to have known what it is to have dreams, but be unwilling to create new ones because I know they can be ripped away. So, for me, this move is not really about what I want now, it is about what I ultimately want; To be whole.

It is with all my love that I thank you Kelowna for all you have done for me. I will forever be grateful. ~with love