It's Just the Weather.
It is raining here in the Okanagan and everywhere I go today there will undoubtedly be people complaining about the weather… What a waste of time. It's just the fucking weather and it is not going to change for you or me, or our itty bitty life plans. The weather, so far beyond our control we can’t even correctly anticipate what it will or will not do, and yet we let it run our lives. Ruin or make our days, it consumes our energy as we sit in protest of the rain, and we let it dictate our emotions.
This to me is absurd, and yet we all do it. We let that which is beyond our control consume us, and in so forget about we can control; ourselves. It can seem easier to sit back and bitch about the ‘weather’ than it is to take responsibility for who we are in the storm. Here is the thing, the weather doesn’t care about how you feel, it doesn't care about your special plans or your big days, it just is. But you care about your experiences, and the sweet thing is that you have all the power over how you interpret each moment. Are you going to give over your day because you woke up to rain?
Last night I attended an event where Rene and many other amazing people were honored. The dread was building in me all day, the anticipation of going without him eating at me. Going out can be brutal, yet not going also rough. It is surreal, going to something we should be going to together, picking up a certificate with his name; sometimes the storm is all consuming.
On the drive down I felt the same what the fuck is happening feeling I had on the day I was driven downtown to set up the memorial table for his celebration of life. This indescribable feeling that makes me want to get out of my own skin. This disgusting disbelief that this is real, this is really my life?
So I sat in my car for 15 minutes unsure if I even had it in me to go in, ‘cause when it's raining the draw to go back to bed is strong. So I either went back home, cried myself to sleep on the couch watching Netflix, or I wipe the mascara off my cheeks and walk in.
I went in.
The hardest part is the lead up, feeling the sting of life not going as you planed, the rain on a day you were really hoping for sun. But once inside I was surrounded by wonderful people, most having no idea that for me it was a rainy day, an internal storm, and that they were the slivers of sunlight.
See there are always rays of sunshine, but sometimes we have to be willing to walk right into the storm with our head held high to see it. It can appear like the harder choice, it takes something to get out of bed when the weather is bad, but like it or not the ‘weather’ is beyond our control. However, who we are in the storm, that's all on us. I get it, it can in the short term be easier to shut the world out, close the curtains, and wait for the mess to pass, but for me, it has proven far better to put on my rain jacket or high heels, and go out into the rain. It is the only way to see the rainbows.
Your days here are short and to sacrifice entire seasons of our lives in the name of shitty weather is in my opinion a waste.
While few things are guaranteed in life this is, there will be storms. It's going to rain on special days and regular days alike. You will have rainy seasons and sunny years, but if you give up your happiness just because it's ‘bad weather’ you are missing it. The storm, that maybe out of your hands but how it shapes your experience, that's within you.
The truth is most things in our lives; just the weather.
Today is the first day of my retreat, 25 people coming to enjoy the beautiful Okanagan! While the sun is supposed to come out and that would be great, I will not spend a second worry about it. If the weather clears up that will make my job easier, but if not those joining me this weekend are still going to have an amazing time. They are going to learn what it really means to let go of what is beyond our control and dig right into what is within us, and that is worth far more than a fun day in the sun. ~with all my love