Feels Like I'm Knockin' On Heaven's Door.

One year ago today we were getting on a plan for a surprise vacation to New York. You planned an entire trip, all I knew was we were going away for a week. You told me what to pack and at 5:00am we went to the airport. The lady at the counter said “JFK how exciting!”  We went over the plans you had made and you let me choose what I wanted to do out of all the sweet things you had scouted. We had a blast and we got engaged (http://cultivatebalance.ca/surprise-surprise/ ). Fast forward one year, today I went to yoga, I rolled out your mat, and I practiced. I could feel the nerves as I got close to the studio. All the people, the buzz, the energy. It is a lot for me right now, part of me wishes I could wear sunglasses and a hat everywhere and hide from it all. I wanted to go home but was also eager to move my body. Sweet Jane and Kylie welcomed me with big hugs when I walked into Moksha.

To my surprise class felt good. It was like I could channel some of my energy, I have so much emotion just sitting in me. I can feel it want to come to the surface. From time-to-time I go there and other times I shut it down, feeling like it is too much to take on.

There was live music, a warm room, and a fun flow. All in all practice felt good. I even noticed how I hadn't felt alive like that since the accident. I approached the practice gently, expecting nothing and was delighted.

Then came savasana, a pose that always made sense to me. I never understood people leaving for savasana, until today. Until the room filled with the beautiful harmony of Tammy playing guitar and singing ‘Knockin' On Heaven's Door.’

It hit me, I am knocking on heaven’s door and screaming for you to answer. I am talking to you. I am praying to you and begging you to stay close to me. Trying to understand and be the best I can be for you, but also so badly wanting to be with you I refuse to believe that you are gone. I would say goodbye to our loved ones and I would join you, if it were a sure thing. But it is not, so I cry, I miss you like crazy, I struggle.

“There is a land of the living and a land of the dead and the bridge is love the only survival the only meaning.” – T. Wilder

Three days to our wedding and one year from our surprise trip. I miss you babes. I love you. I will be knocking on your door for the rest of my life.

With all my love