Will You Ever Be ready?
I am back teaching and I'm not really ready, but know enough to know I will never really be ready until I do it. I wasn’t ready for my first kiss, or to buy our first house, I wasn't at all ready to teach my first yoga class, I definitely wasn’t feeling ready to travel around Europe alone at 18. I haven't been ready for much that really mattered in my life, and it is only in doing it that I have become ready. I remember my first time teaching yoga at the studio. I really didn't think I would teach when I took yoga teacher training. I happened upon it so went for it, then taught a few friends very causally. One day I walked into the studio to take a class and the teacher was a no show. The owner had to run out and was desperate for a teacher. She asked if I would teach the class that was starting in 5 minutes. What do you think I said?
You guessed it, ‘I'm not ready.’ There was another teacher there, my teacher, and she took me aside and said, "Will you ever be ready?"
I knew the honest answer to that question was no. It wasn't like one more training would make me ready, or reading one more book was all I needed to take this on. The only way for me to be ready, was to do it. So I did, with a scribbled out sequence she helped me put together I walked in and taught the class. It was so hard for me, I was full of nerves and while people said nice things about class at the end, I'm fairly sure it sucked. I remember there still being 15 minutes left of class and feeling like I couldn't think of a single pose to put them in. With practice I eventually got it, the rhythm came and it got better, I got better.
So new opportunities would arrive and I would want to retreat into ‘I am not ready for this,’ but I would remember that lesson. Hearing my teacher say, “Will you ever be ready?” Only by going for it did I grow and evolve. One thing preparing me for the next thing; I would be, but wouldn’t feel ready for.
So yesterday I had my first class back teaching yoga since the accident. Was I ready, no? Did I become ready as we practiced? Yes.
In my moment of pain and loss I felt like I was no longer ready for life, no longer ready to be seen or heard, no longer ready to inspire. I gave up all my classes and said I may never teach yoga again. I was at ease with that. Starting my Masters in Counselling I thought it was very possible I would go back to being a waitress until I graduated and then step into counselling, letting teaching yoga rest with Rene. I am profoundly aware that life will never be what it was; I don’t want to force the pieces to be the same. In fact the more things are as they were the more it hurts, the more I am forced to acknowledge that he is missing. So I gave up most of our routines, and teaching was no exception.
That is until a friend reminded me what it was that I loved about teaching yoga in the first place. I felt a small call to go back, and as I reflected I knew there is no way I would be the person I am going through this if it weren’t for all the years of practice and the teachings of yoga.
I feel called to serve.
So I am back, standing humbly at the top of the mat in front of the class. Not really ready but willing to arrive.
Thank you to everyone for holding space for me to find my way again. Allowing me the grace to become ready as I go.