Like a tropical Storm

Babes, I am thinking about you. I am thinking about you almost all the time but sometimes it feels like I am stuck in it. I have started to see patterns. I have days where I feel like I am on a high, I know it is above a normal state, it really is like I have taken drugs. Sometimes I like it, I can get a lot done and there isn’t as much pain. However, it takes a lot for me not to be impulsive. I have to really think about things or  feel like I could easily make decisions that are not the best for me. Some moments it gets so intense I can hardly contain it, and while it comes with insomnia I am never tired during those times. It seems out of my control, but I have learnt alcohol makes it more intense, so does anything unknown; people, projects, activities. It can be nice to be honest, but only to a point, once it gets passed that I feel like I am at its’ mercy till it clears.

It eventually does, sometimes it takes days, but it does. And then pretty much guaranteed I will be on a downward spiral. That too, feels out of my control. It is like I run right through feeling normal and live in the polarities of highs and lows.

When I am in the worst of it, it is this sever kind of pain, all consuming. Like a tropical storm, it builds, and builds,  and builds, you know how it gets so hot it is suffocating. The heat and humidity feels so close you can’t escape, just begging for relief. Then, the skies open and it rains. I get stuck in the build, I do not know how to make it rain so I just have to be in the crazy pain till the moment I break. Sometimes a walk at the lake, or a long drive can be helpful and other times like today I am just stuck in it. 

Remember when we went wake-boarding and I would get up and then inevitably catch the front edge and fall so hard right on to my face, babes it is like that. Again and again. You were proud of me for my determination that day, getting up all those times, just to fall on my face over-and-over. I never did get the hang of it, eventually I had no more energy left and you helped me back into the boat. I am waiting for the boat. I am getting tired of feeling like I am just getting up, finally finding my feet only to catch and edge and fall on my face.

Babes, I hope you don't think I am being selfish in my pain. I know this isn't really about me, it is you who lost your life. Yet, somehow it feels like I lost mine as well.

Fuck I miss you, so bad it literally hurts.

~love you Rene