While this has torn me up, I am not broken.

While this has torn me up, I am not broken. I have always wanted to space things out in my life so that I can fully enjoy them. Like I wanted to spread our vacations out, so they didn’t feel rushed. How I wanted to have a puppy far before we had babies, so she would be well trained and a chill big sister to our little one.  I wanted to be really ready to be married, so that I could be fully present and enjoy all parts of it. I wanted to wait to take my Masters till capable of really taking it all in. 

I also said I wanted to experience it all. My sister married her high school sweetheart as well, only they didn’t breakup and get back together over 15 times like Rene and I did during our high school years... and a bit after that too.  So before she was ready to walk down the aisle I asked, ‘are you sure you don’t want to date anyone else’? I wasn’t so much thinking about her only being with him, I was more thinking of all the things she would be missing. Like a heart breaking breakup. The growth that comes with letting go of something, especially something you love because you know it’s not right. Like new loves, and crazy stories. Like single nights out with the girls and mistakes that are only funny years later. As hurtful as some of it can be I always said I wanted to go through it all.

So here I am, going through it. We are all going through it. Life; some of us do it more awake than others. More aware of what we are doing, why we are doing it, and how it feels to experience it. But we are all going through it, and I am no different. This experience is sharp, and for me it is so fucked up, but I am not broken.

Like a bone, if it is weak a stressor can break it. However if it is strong to begin with, the stressor will create conditions for it to further strengthen. It will be tougher for the future. This stressor is heavy, but I am not weak and this will teach me to be even stronger. I think our mindset is everything. The belief that we can handle or thrive through something is necessary. People want to label me with; broken, fragile, lost. While these all feel true in moments, I know they are simply passing by. Still having them put on me can be damaging, like I should live into them. Sometimes I feel like this is swallowing me, like I will not surface from this. Then I think, Rene would not be cool with me thinking like that about myself. He saw the highest in me, he saw the fighter and the softer side. I hear him louder than anyone else. Encouraging me, loving me through this.

Be careful with what you put on people or what you take on. While you might be healing, growing and changing, be careful of the labels that encourage you to be the victim of your life or to feel weak. 

I am not broken. I believe that the people with the most to share have often experienced the most. I have always said, if you really want to feel it, you have to feel it all. If you are to live the highest joys, the purest love, peace in your soul, you will feel searing pain, deep sadness, and now for me unfathomable loss. But I still want to live it all. I want to take all life has for me and greet it as awake as I can. So I invite you to see the lesson through the hardship. Feel the pain, take your time, but nurture that part of you that believes in life, that believes in experiencing it all, and that Knows you can be stronger through it. 

~with all my love