Opening Pandora's Box


As it turns out I am stuck in the first stage of grieving, shock and denial. I haven’t even made it past the first stage, fight or flight. On an intellectual level I know that Rene has passed away but there have only been a few times that I have felt it, and apparently this is a problem. I felt it, like really felt it when I first heard. There was some confusion when I found out, but my memory of that evening is vivid. I remember when it was said to me in a way that could not be misunderstood, it was like in the movies. The screaming, the tears, the loss of breath; being overcome with pain. This only lasted a few minutes and just like that, walls went up and I felt numb. That numbness has stayed close. Part of me honestly believed I could talk my way through this. That I could know enough to not have to feel it.

But last week, I was standing in line for tea and right as I was next to order I felt it, tears streaming down my face out of nowhere. I have cried over this but usually brought on by something, like when I had to set up the table for the celebration of life, or when I see my puppy searching the house for her Papa. Early on I could tell that my reactions were not what people were expecting. They would say I seemed “fine” whatever that means. I could feel people wanting me to be crying or falling apart and there I was seemingly normal. Everyone around me so emotional and I had nothing for them. I actually couldn’t have been different. I wasn’t faking it or trying to be strong, it was just like that, emotionless.

However, this week that changed. I can feel pain starting in my gut, traveling into my throat, ache in my heart, and the start of tears but I push it all away. I am choosing to push it away. Can I do that forever? I wish so badly I could, that I could just know about it. That if I know enough about it, it will pass. However, it has been said to me in no uncertain terms that at this point I am coping and that until I feel it all I will never be able to heal, so I guess I actually have to go through it.

Now I am terrified, it is like I am choosing to let my world fall apart. It actually fell apart August 16th but I have managed to keep most things together, do everything that needs to be done, as though my love is on holidays, like he is coming back and will be proud of how I took care of our home life. I am challenged with the fact that this behaviour isn’t going to work, but what I am being confronted with is so huge and unfathomable I want to run away. The waves of emotions are coming more often, and I am fighting them. It is time to open Pandora’s Box, to let all the pain out and trust that I can handle it but having no idea if I can or not.

I need a guide, so I have an appointment with a therapist tomorrow. I am in this weird place, knowing that there is no way for me to heal without getting into the pain, but who would choose to really feel this? It's so fucking crazy, still tomorrow I will walk through those doors and ask that man to lead me to the depths of my pain.