Babes, Today I found ease. Today I felt calm and still. I think the anticipation of ‘ big’ days are harder than the lived experience of the day. Even though Christmas wasn't a big part of our lives the meaning around it and the looming nature brought up a lot. I didn't even think it was related to this day but as today went on I got some space. I cleared a lot at the beginning of the trip but while I was in it I felt like I couldn't see any light.
Well today I got my sea legs. Yesterday I went in the ocean with trepidation and hesitancy. Unable to feel the float I forced myself to stay in for a few minutes but was uncomfortable and fraught with nerves. Today was different.
Today I woke feeling worn down. The knowing of it being Christmas Day pledged me. I wrote you and then went to practice. I was still stuck after practice but felt called to stay and sit in stillness. I ended up sitting for over 30 minutes and somewhere in there calmness washed over me.
The turbulence that had taken up camp on my heart cleared. Over breakfast I mentioned I was thinking about a hike to the other town and Kelly (I have met her here)said she would like to join. Together we went, chatted all about life and ended up on the other side. The other side is worth the work. I'm seeing some hikes more intense than others, but if I stay the course the beauty on the other side, it will be worth it. Until today the hurt on this trip had been so intense I couldn't see the way out, I felt lost and couldn't even be sure I would come to the other side. But then today suddenly I arrived. I know this path is much longer and I will have many more dark times, but this rest stop is much needed. I will fuel in this resting area until I am called to keep going.
We swam, this time not to prove a point but just to play in nature's playground. Then we sat down for chips and salsa, just for you, and I had a drink for you as well. I know you'd prefer I had two but since you weren't here to enjoy ‘drunk Chelsea’ as you so lovingly called it, I stopped at one.
As raw and sad as I am, today was a good day. Finally I could see enough of the horizon to get my sea legs. Today my 'sea sickness' is at bay and the waves are calm.
Thank you for teaching me how to get up after I fall. Thank you for showing me the importance of really living life. Thank you for giving me permission to live. I feel I honor you best when I can experience all this life has to offer. Sending you so much love.