Who Is Missing You?
Babes, your girls miss you. This pictures sums it up. We are still waiting for you to come home. Ollie sitting there just waiting and me purposely leaving your shoes untouched. It sounds crazy but for the first month, while I could say you had passed away I didn't know what that meant. I didn't feel anything.
Now I am only starting to feel what that means for me and I am terrified for what's to come, I hurt for Ollie our baby girl (puppy), and I am sad. But here is what I know.
The bigger the love the bigger the loss. So I can say, I love that my loss is huge, we really did love hard. I am grateful that nothing came before our family. You would lovingly call Ollie and I your 'bitches,' in writing it sounds mean but you'd say it with a mischievous smile always looking to see if you'd get a reaction from me. Sometimes I’d buy in and give you a little scowl, but I secretly liked it. You were always there for us.
We worked hard for our special relationship, we were gifted with passion and an intense draw to one another but making our family life a priority took recommitting to it over and over again. We would get caught up in the day-to-day, but would always check back in to what really mattered for us. While there is a lot in life out of our control, it seemed to me that people were far too willing to give up the control they do have over their lives.
Believe it or not you have a ton of choice in your life. If you think otherwise you are playing the victim. I have not been dealt the hardest hand but like everyone I have a story and possible excuses, I have however been unwilling to let the stuff of my past be excuses for not having the life I want. While I may have been able to justify a lackluster life the reality was I would have to live it. I knew early on I would live by choice, make tough decisions to have the life I wanted. Sometimes that meant risking comforts and ease and taking a chance. But it has always been worth it. So I got the life I wanted with you, while it was far too short, I accept I cannot choose everything, and resolve to take control of all that I can and soften into what I cannot.
If there is anything in your life that is not working for you, change it.
Do not tell me there is no other way. That not everyone can live the life they want, that you aren’t strong enough to do it, or that it is what it is. Unless it really is, sometimes it is what it is, believe me I know. Still much of the time you have choice and I encourage you to choose wisely.
I see it, moms more worried about their thigh gap and six packs than their husband or kids. Husbands more worried about their salary or job title than their wife and babies. Making sure our family photos are perfect for social media, while giving little energy to how our family is actually doing. Spending all our time making sure it all looks polished and perfect while it is crumbling from the inside out. I see you and this is your wake up call. There is no judgement here, who am I to judge? I am offering you the truth. This is your life and whether you have 29 years or 80 it's not a lot and you cannot get one second back. You cannot get it back. The missed moments, you can’t make up for them or get them back.
Do not waste your time. Do not love your car more than your kids. Do not love your job more than your significant other. Do not love your money more than your family, your toys more than your friends, or your skinny waistline more than your joy. You know how you know what you love the most? Where do you place your energy? If next time or later are your go to sentences, take a good long look. Your belongings don’t give a shit about you, but hopefully your friends and family do. Are they sitting at the door waiting for you? Do you still have the chance to walk through the front door and be their hero?
Let me make this so clear. If you died today are you complete with how you lived?
Live by choice not by chance.