You Are Who You Are.

I taught this as a class when I was on a retreat a few months ago. I have taught it a few times in classes since and was asked to share it. It took me this long because this is a very important lesson for me and one I have earned. I have gone through a very intense initiation to get this lesson. While I am giving it to you for free, for me it has been well earned and is not said lightly. The basic premise is simple; you are who you are.

Here is the thing, and some of you are not going to like this next part, but I believe it to be truth even and especially after the loss of my beloved. Life is not happening to you, it is just happening. What is truly out of our control is just that, out of our control. However, everything that follows that one particular moment is in our control and I say that with the up-most respect. The moment beyond my control was so huge, shocking, and still something I can hardly make sense of. And yet, the way I show up in the world, that remains up to me.

So here is the teaching; you are who you are and you no longer get to blame what was or what you perceived to be, out of your control. So that means no more blaming your parents, your upbringing, your childhood. No more blaming your job, your co-workers, your spouse or your children.

This is not to  discredit or ignore your life experience. Not at all, in fact it is just the opposite. Can you own it even more? Can you take it and integrate it so fully that it no longer owns you? So you are not chained to it, or a victim of it?

The sudden loss of my fiance so fucking crazy and it has made me a little crazy. I am not who I used to be, that is just the way it is. Out of my control, however I will not be reduced by it, I will never be the same and yet I know I am who I am, and I am still very much in control of me. I will be shaped by this, out of my control. However, how I am shaped, that is in my control.  In each moment, in every behavior I am creating who I am. I am constructing who I will be in the next moment. I must accept the parts of me that were transformed the moment I heard of the accident, on a primal level there were immense changes. I take that in and am now figuring out how to work it into the tapestry of who I am. I won't be who I thought I was going to be pre-accident, yet it is possible I will fulfill a far greater role. That through my lived experience, as out of my control and harsh as it is, I will remain open, soft, alive. For me this will take work, but no one is coming to save me. I have lots of love but at the end of the day, it is all up to me. How I play with the world, who I am, and who I will become, that is all on me.

I leave you with this:

We are who we are. When we are being tested we are who we are. When we are irritated, angry, when life doesn't go as we thought. We are who we are.

I was told I had a 'green card'. Be as I wanted and people would just understand. That's probably true. But I'm not a victim of life. I am so honored to have this life.  I don't get to say: 'yes I was a awful, but do you know what happened to me?'  I am who I am. If we ask for something we don't just get it, if we seek it, we get the opportunity to cultivate it. It is in the face of fear that we can cultivate bravery, in moments of weakness that we find strength, in challenge that we find a new way. So you want to be whatever you want to be. Start now, this is it. Start with your family, your partner, your parents. Don't say you'll be a good partner when you find the perfect person. You'll be a good employee when you find the right job. You'll be fully awake when you're life is worth being awake for. The time is now, you are who you are. Seek people and places that challenge you. There we harness our potential. It is in the biggest challenges that we have the opportunity for the most growth. But it's not guaranteed, we can also fragment and be weakened, so we must choose. Choose to harness the power. Choose to pull all the pieces together creating a wholeness, a connectedness that is unwavering. Choose to be your best self in each and every moment. When we think no one is looking or when everyone around us would let us get away with our small self behavior. You are not a victim of this life. This life a gift, and you are privileged enough to have this breath. What are you doing with it? Those toughest moments  are our gems. Those moments are our time. That's the gold. That's where leaders are born. Refined by fire. You are who you are. Who are you? Meditation: Be still: The greater the self awareness the greater the possibilities for freedom. This is not an act of doing, it's an act of noticing. Seeing, settling, listening. Being. You are who you are. Get focused, sharp, clear. Notice the desire for distractions. Somethings you cannot get out of. The only way is through. Let it move through you, till there is no hold.

You are in control, you are not being controlled. I invite you to be still, notice the irritations, the pull to move or fidget, just notice. Be an observer but do not indulge it. Witness. It will fade and you will be stronger for it.

Try it for a moment, try it for your life.

~with all my love