To Rest


Babes, Hi. It's coming up in three years since our path split. I didn't take it too well. But I have gotten better. More accepting, I have come to terms with your death. I have slowly and intentionally unwoven my life and yours. In the early days, it was high intensity and low stability. I was at the mercy of massive waves of grief. But it's not that today. There are still glimpses of that. The drive back to Kelowna was heartbreaking, driving by the river where you took your last breath I could hardly catch mine. Driving home to where we once had a life felt awful. But then, I got to what was our home and the girls came running to see me. Huge smiles on their faces and arms wrapping my legs. One is much bigger than when you last saw her and the other she never got to meet you. They ran out to the car with big smiles excited to see me and all the fear fell away; I was glad to be there.

It's a beautiful place Kelowna, and I remembered why you never wanted to move away. This trip I emptied the safety deposit box I had gotten after you died that I had filled with letters and cards and trinkets we had given one another. At the time they seemed like the only things of value and I could not bear the idea of them going missing but now they seem flat.

You were never your things and I have known that to make space for myself to live in this life without you  I'd have to overtime loosen my grip on us. Letting go of physical items, the dreams we shared, and the real estate you occupied in my heart. I love you no less, but those items are no longer sacred to me. All we shared together is untouchably stored in who I have become.

I have gotten rid of the video, I knew I would never watch it and yet couldn't get rid of it. But now, now is the time. What you experienced in those moments I will never know but my heart is soothed by words from C when he told me you were all just in the fight. Fighting for your lives but not thinking beyond that. The coroner said you didn't suffer. I'm not sure that's true but those words help. Regardless, the last moments do not define you and why we live and die is a mystery. I have come to believe that when it is our time, it is our time and where we are or what we are doing at that moment will dictate the story those left behind tell. You were destined for a new path.

I have decided where your final resting place will be and plan on laying your ashes later this summer. I know you are not in them and yet I have been vigilantly protecting them from the day they were handed to me. You were not meant for northern Alberta and keeping you with me is no longer best for either of us. I know where you want to be and I will make sure you have a little corner of heaven on earth as your own. A place for those that love you to come to say hey, share a beer, catch up, and maybe shed some tears for our loss.

Babes, thank you for everything you did for me, everything you gave me, and all you are for me. Thank you for the gentle reminders that you still care for me and for softening your hold as we go on but not letting go.

With all my love